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Fear of losing someone dear

Lat Sunday, I shouted at my grandmother for my mother. I know what I was doing and somehow I didn’t regret it at all, even though I am taught to be gentle and humble as long as people don’t cross the line.

My grandmother has been sick for about ten years. She needs to have Hemodialysis every two other days. Almost a month ago, she accidentally lost her three toes. We all feel sorry for her and want the best treatments, but she just got horrible emotionally. She keeps blaming others for her diseases and accusing my uncle for not taking good care of her, even though she is the one who crushed her toes by playing the truck’s remote. What’s worse is that she only harasses her two older children and couldn’t dare to say a cursing before her beloved youngest son.

It’s ironic because it’s my mother and older uncle who take care of her from the beginning.

In weekends, she gives her older son and daughter-in-law bad attitude for them not taking her out to play. She makes everyone scared of her by going on a diet, refusing to eat anything but milk.

It’s not my business of course. It’s the adults’ matter and I shouldn’t get involved, but I am too pissed to actually greet her when I meet her.

Then, this weekend, she came to a whole new level. Not only did she give them attitudes but also she pretended to kneel to my mother and older uncle. My mother was so angry that she had an asthmatic attack. When I tried to calm her, I yelled at my grandmother, telling her not to come to my graduation ceremony.

I know she doesn’t come for my favor. She just wants a day of pleasure. It’s okay if she were whole and healthy but still, even though she has gotten better, I don’t want her to come. It’s my day and I want my mother to be here with me. I love her very much but my mother comes first.

I don’t like her for some reasons regarding my mother. In her childhood, my grandmother treated her poorly of being a daughter. I benefit from this fact, but I couldn’t imagine a mother to not love her daughter and that’s what she did.

All I could think of right now is that I nearly lost my mother because of her and I would never regret yelling at her for this. I want my mother to be able to see her own grandchildren, to have her own moment of success, and if I didn’t protect my mother, my grandmother would ruin it.

The first time, I could actually feel hatred and love to one particular person.

 

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A Second Life

“A second life begins with the moment that you learnt you only get one life and one life only. ”

I don’t know where it comes from, but I love it as much as I love every quote I has collected from all kinds of books. Today, I took photos of the books I have read in the past two years. Astonishingly, there are one hundred books in the lab that I have finished reading. It surprises me a lot because I never counted it and I always thought it’s nearly waste of time to read that much, no matter how thankful I am to this experience. Although a lot of my juniors are impressed by my achievement, there is a little part of me condemning it for the lack of the jobs and internship.

I used to blame myself for not making the right choices. I should have turned down this offer and found myself an internship, or at least to find some part-time job. However, as time goes closer to my graduation, the righteousness inside me start to take over and the guilt has gradually died out.

I realize that I can’t blame anyone, including myself. This was what I wanted to do and still is what I love to do. The only reason that I tried to find something wrong with this decision is for not being able to get a Master’s degree. I love studying and I love to study with my professor. However, my family and my debts are chasing after me. If I keep studying, it will ultimately cause the situation to go worse.

It’s what poverty can do to people. You need to fight and struggle harder than anyone else in order to get what you want, and even though you do, you probably couldn’t get what you want. Life is unfair, for a lot of people needn’t to worry their future and can have the privilege to find what they want to do.

Don’t get me wrong. I will never blame my mother or father for this affair. My mother only got passed high school and my father couldn’t even get his junior high’s certificate of graduation. They have struggle so hard to make a living and have provided everything they could afford to help us finish our education. I love them, and I feel so grateful that they didn’t abandon me like other teenager parents would have done at their ages. It’s hard enough for them to survive but they still took care of my brother and me with their best efforts. We have decided to devote everything to get them what they have expected in their entire life: A house.

Maybe after four or five years, I would come back to school, but I know it’s not the right time. If I want it, truly want it, I believe that the universe would have mercy in me and my family. I would try my best making money and getting back to the society.

After three weeks’ uncomfortable and sorrow, I finally get the answer from the bottom of my heart. I need to be true to myself. What I want now is to help them get on tracks, giving them the dignity and pride that two people in their forties could have had if they chose to have kids later.

That’s why I love this quote. I feel myself reborn into a new universe, getting the whole new idea in the last minute.

Trump’s image

The first time I saw him was on the Apprentice. It’s a television show that provides people some basic knowledge in running a business and holds a competition between all the company owners. It’s as cruel as some beauty pageants. If those participants lost, they would lose the chance to actually make it big.

In the twentieth century,  it seems a little less hard to start a business. All you need is a Paypal account and a website, and the money would flow to you. At least that’s what Chinese told me. They always had tricky ways to make money. It’s hardly doable in Taiwan because most of people still love big brands and cheap prices. As a result, would the strategies shown in this show efficient enough to be acted in these days?

For example, the most memorable line of Trump is “Location, location and location.” If you opened an online business, it wouldn’t matter how far you live from your customers, as long as your products could arrive on time. Somehow it depends on what’s your business. If you have planned to have a little school and  some teachers, it would be harder that you open your cram school in the countryside. Kids are not that many and their parents might not afford to pay you. That’s when the location your business matters. Even though there are many courses you could take online, let’s face it, you are not going to finish them. People are born lazy, or, mostly people are born lazy. Even in this evil time, most people still don’t take A.I. seriously. They always think people are all high and mighty and couldn’t be replaced.

I don’t know how they could be so easy and comfortable in their little worlds. At least I couldn’t. I want to be an international trader, not just a seller. I want to be more and I have learnt that I need to study everyday in order to be who I am. When the tide comes, there is no way you can go but flow with it. I want to be the tide than flowing by it.

The second year of my college, I had studied in Machine Learning for a while. I was totally fascinated. I couldn’t believe that if we could teach the machine to learn, there would be so many efforts saved. We don’t need to learn Math because it’s stupid to know how to count a variance. How can we do with variance unless we major in Finance management? (I minor in it and it’s killing my brain cells.) We don’t need translators  in so many fields, and my brother wouldn’t need to climb so high to fix an air conditioner. That would save a lot of money (translators) and reduce many risks (my brother). Of course, at that time, I was so dumb that I didn’t know if translators lost their jobs, I would be counted.

Since Trump dropped the bomb of dropping  Paris Agreement. It’s a stupid move according to all the media. That actually has a misunderstanding. I am not a Trump fan, bu I am someone who could hardly survive in today’s economy. He makes some people who aren’t in big companies feel safe. When famous and well-known companies promote the idea of saving the globe and some high educated people write some laws to regulate everyone to follow the rules, it would definitely kill a lot of opportunities.

I believe in global warming, and I know it’s essential that we need to take some actions, but when I see my paycheck this month, I don’t care anymore. Poverty becomes a big factor in Trump’s winning. When you are poor, it’s hard for you to think about issues. However, it doesn’t mean that we would turn our back against the truth.

Global warming couldn’t be more real, and if we don’t take actions, our next generation would suffer. Everything is so clear but it takes courage to care. I mean, when you couldn’t even feed yourself, how can you be expected to criticize someone who tries to help you?

I still worry about the future and the world, but somehow, when I get older and feel fragile in the cruel environment, I couldn’t bring myself to care anymore. Maybe that’s what people thought as they voted for Trump. As long as I could feed myself, I don’t care who is up there. That’s what poverty can do to a person’s mind, and I don’t think it could be counted as stupid like those…how to say that…white left think. Doctors, teachers or any jobs that have regular income are hardly affected but those who do business know how hard to survive.

I am not a Trump fan, but I could understand why he did it and I appreciate his efforts. It would be much better that he admits the existence of global

International selling, an exciting job

Today, I got an interview with a company selling tires. I have read some books about international trading, but when I saw the questions in the entry test, I was completely stunned. I knew some of the words but others were so strange. Then, I flipped to the bottom, there were a lot of math.

I am no good at math. I know if I recited every single step of solving a math question I could do the exams well. It’s how I passed the Taiwanese SAT and entered my college. I picked some of my best subjects and only read them about an hour a day, and I put all my efforts in studying the patterns of the math exams. At that time, I believed that there must have been some parts they just loved to torture kids.

It turned out I was right, at least eighty percent. I still did poorly in math but I was awesome in others.

I don’t know whether I could get in or not, but I believe the invisible power in the universe would lead me to the path I should step on. I have learnt Python and I am so excited when some skills I have got from the course could be utilized on my interview. Believe me or not, I didn’t know there was a snipping tool in my PC.

The future is changing so fast that I couldn’t actually see mine. There must be a lot of jobs lost, and I couldn’t possibly know if I would be one of them, but I believe that hard-working and learning forever can always open a window for me. I know it’s not going to be easy for me to get this done. I am a person of art and literature. I love reading books and writing articles. Selling is not going to be easy for me. However, I still need to do this. It’s the only way that I could extend my career choices and actually understand who I am. I major in Applied Foreign Language and love English very much. The time I spent on writing in English could prove it, but teaching English and editing textbooks might kill that part of me. I would grow to hate it for the students without passion and rotten education system. We don’t need another generation of learning machine, and if I joined them, I would be one of the supporters of this system.

If we want to get a head forward, we can’t afford to have another generation without critical thinking ability and passion to build on their own business. We will fall behind. It’s not a competition. I know Taiwan would find its way and survive, but it needs all of us to make it faster. If all the good students want to become officials, our economy would hardly bloom.

Anyway, I truly hope that I could get this job. I feel that I could learn a lot from it and I can’t help but feel excited for it. Hope they could feel my passion and give me this job. I actually kind of need it to survive.

 

Learning Python: 1

When I opened this course, “Introduction to Python”, I just think it would be fun to learn something for casting out all the horrible ideas I have had all this time. I actually didn’t expect myself to learn well because I am kind of dumb in math. However, as I started to learn, it’s fun actually.

I have learnt some basic computer theory, one of the subjects we needed to take an exam in order to get into college. It actually bored me a lot even though the teacher was completely kind to me. I did well in that big exam and I hadn’t touched it for about four years. When you need to recite every word in the textbook to pass the exam, you would mostly hate that subject That’s what happened to me.

This course really blew the hatred and worry away. I like it very much. I followed the instructions and typed my very first program. I was so excited that I forced my brother to run it again.

The way Professor Charles Severance talks about Python could reignite a person’s passion to make this learning work. I like how he said Python’s command is like a paragraph in one article. I love reading and this way of describing makes me want to learn more.

Chen Yurou1-2

 

The very first program I wrote!! You could see it in the bottom. I hope this photo doesn’t blow my identity. Everyone who reads this blog must have known I am an Asian, so it’s fine, isn’t it?

Anyway, I will update my learning process here. If you want to join me and discuss this course with me, I wouldn’t be more pleased. Just like so many famous people have said, coding is going to change the way you think, and I agree with them somehow.

 

Flooded determination

I don’t know how you guys call this. Maybe it’s a wake-up call to a long, long sleep. I never felt it before. It’s the first time, over three months’ job hunting, I really calm down and see who I truly am and what I want to be.

I have been weeping for a long time, not on the outside but the inside. It’s the first time that my parents couldn’t accompany me. Everything is completely about my choices. Whatever I chose now would affect my life for two years. For the past few months, I knew it but not know it. I have been running away from my true feeling. There was a little me screaming for me to acknowledge her existence but I completely ignored her. I thought if I actually responded to her, my whole spiritual world would fall apart. It has haunted me for so long that I could barely reach out and call for help.

Maybe in America, I might be suggested to take a few treatments to solve it, but I am not a person who would seek for helps from some medicine. It can ease the natural responses my body tries to give me but can’t solve my troubles. They are still there, no matter how efficient those treatments are. If I didn’t stand up on my own, they would seize me forever.

As a result, I didn’t ask for help but read tons of books, trying to find something that could comfort my struggling soul.

At first, I read a few books about Feminism and vowed to help those disadvantaged women with my best efforts. I want more than just a role model as an independent woman. However, what you think would hardly meet what you get. I applied for a job that could speak for those women but only is rejected for lack of experiences. They attacked me for being a student of Applied Foreign Language, giving me hard time and refusing to let me in for there being a lot of people better than I did. They weren’t nice at all and the whole environment made me uncomfortable even though it’s an organization for those abused women and prostitute.

I had sent over fifteen letters, telling them all my advantages. I wrote over two thousand words, telling them how many things I had done in the past four years for Feminism and how strong my passion was toward getting this work. However, what I had received was not, or never, what I had expected. Complete cold shoulders. They even told me that if I hadn’t called in order to get their attentions, they wouldn’t have considered to see me.

This is what made me so sad and depressing. In the past four years, teachers keep telling us that we have so many possibilities and as long as we go for it, there are few would reject our passion. As it turns out, there is nothing could meet their descriptions. I had been expecting to see an organization full of warmth and passion to make this world a better place for women but what I saw is nothing but a traditional charity that never wants to truly change women’s social status. I have noticed it, of course. I read a lot of their magazines, and as time goes by, I have lost the desire.

However, what truly crushed me is how they treated me. Maybe they wanted more capable people, I can totally get it and will never complain about this because that’s what things should be, but what they lay out is what make my desire to join them dim completely.

Maybe it’s my hatred blinding my sight. Maybe their reasons are completely innocent. It’s just different sides of ideas. Yet, I couldn’t shake away the chilliness in my heart. Even three weeks later, I was still shaken by that experience. My pride somehow dims with my desire. Everything goes blank. All I could see is just an unsure life and dying dreams. Till now, I couldn’t take myself back to the former me.

I have been always advantaged. Teachers tried to provide me the best they could. My parents give me whatever they could provide. Those spoiled me, sugar-coating everything. Life is not just love, compassion and dreams but a lot of cruelty, coldness and fear. You are afraid of anything but everything. You are afraid of yourself. You are afraid of your future. When you were a kid, there was nothing but dreams and love. Your parents fed you undying love and told you the simplest life rule. What they have tried to do is to prolong your innocence and wait for your own awareness.

I remembered a lot of things in my childhood, including the first time we moved to a new house, the one we are still living in. I cried at the first night for fear of loneliness. At the old home, we didn’t have many rooms, so my brother and I lived in the same one with our parents, but now my parents could afford a bigger one. My mother was sleeping in the bedroom next to me. I was so afraid but I couldn’t bring myself to wake her up because I knew she was tired of moving. Then, as time went by, I got accustomed to the new environment. The strangeness faded away, replaced by the new confidence of being alone completely at night.

When I was informed of entering one of the best schools, I was so excited, but then I realized it meant leaving my mother. I wept for a long time, maybe two or three nights. I was afraid of leaving her side. I was afraid of moving to the new place. I was afraid of being forgotten. I was afraid of not making any friends. I was completely afraid of being alone. Two days later, my grandmother had a  stroke. I started to fear other things, so the former fear faded away gradually, only awaken when the real time I needed to leave. After I arrived at the school and dined with my roommates, my eyes were full of tears. I couldn’t bring myself to eat much and I couldn’t stop thinking about my mother.

That’s the moment I realized how much I loved my family and how much I missed home.

Since I was little, I thought my mother someone who could always solve my problem, but only when I left home, it occurred to me that she used to be a little girl. She used to be loved by her parents, living her life with color, and then she met my father. My father and his family didn’t treat her well but she still stayed for my brother and my sake. She lived poorly for the past twenty years and still couldn’t have a steady life.

My mother was a little girl, then a young woman, and became a mother. She lived her life without her dreams but full of our memories. She told me meeting my father was the worst thing happened to her but being able to meet me and my brother was the best thing that could have ever happened to her.

I know who she is. I know she has strong feeling to her life. I know she must have been fearful for her future just like me. She must have been weeping for her worst struggles, but she had no choice. If she wanted to keep my brother and me with her, she would need to stay with my father. In my hometown, my mother had little skills to raise us, which meant the court would definitely give our custody to my father. She wanted us. She loves us so much that she couldn’t bring herself to give us up, so she sucked it up. She endured my father’s poor treatments in order to raise us up.

I need to be strong for her. I need to strong for the future me. This flood, the true flood of rain, helps me make up my mind doing it. I need to keep struggling and fighting because that’s what I do. I have always faced the struggles and survived. I would do this again.

This is the first determination, and it would be the strongest one in my heart.

 

You will find your ways: Tao Yuanming

The first time I read his works was on my textbook. He is one of the most important and famous poets in the past hundred years and his work represents a part of Chinese: Honesty. He is man with integrity and pride, and he doesn’t give up both for surviving. He keeps living like a peasant and writing his poets and articles, expressing his ideas about the society and his own life.

I never think he is going to change my life since he is kind of ancient and the articles selected by our teachers are mostly uninteresting. What’s worse is that they forced us to recite them, one by one, words by words. I mean, any kids would hate Shakespeare if you made them recite Hamlet with no good reasons but exams. (Don’t get me wrong. Big fan of our William Shakespeare, the genius who could still capture new readers’ heart after his long death with his excellent works.)

Then I saw this poet. The moment I saw it, I realized it’s the thing I need  the most: Steadiness.

I am going to translate it here, but not sure if it could ever get the meaning completely. It’s such a great poet that everyone should keep in mind and never let it go,

“No matter how treacherous waves are,

you flow with no happiness and no fear.

What should be ended would welcome its demise,

nothing needs more worries.”

I know it’s not rhymed but it’s the best I can do. That’s how I interpreted this poet. Human beings are living in a world that would change in a heartbeat, but you can’t let it alter you too. You need to keep who you are because how bad it is or how good it is, it would be ended without a heartbeat, too. Keep in mind that being who you are is the core. Don’t lose it to the society.

It’s so beautiful that the first time I saw it, I actually wept. I was so afraid of my future. I am afraid that no one would see my talents. I would be wasted in any fields. It terrifies me so hard that I couldn’t sleep sometimes.

However, this poem changes the way I see the world. You can’t change what have been changed but yourself. You need to keep who you are, do what you love and continue your life till the last breath.

Hope more people would know about him. He is not someone who would give up upon himself. Yuanming saw those rotten government and refused to work for them for money. He chose to live a simple life in the countryside. He was poor and barely could survive but still did whatever he wanted, and this poem somehow symbolizes this part of him.

It’s what I should learn for the entire life. Letting go of stereotype and leaving comfort zone are not easy, but what else aren’t. Life is hard itself. It doesn’t change whether you do what you love or do what you hate. The difficulties are all the same. Just the ways of experiencing are different. Some people are struggling to survive, while others are trying to find a way of living on purpose. It’s just life it is.

It’s still hard for me to this day. The graduation, the unemployment, or anything else come next make me often suffocated by my pride, misery and sorrow. There are just too much and sometimes I feel myself lost in emotion and couldn’t pull myself back to the shore.

This poem makes me stable in some ways. It tells me the thing I always want to hear from my friends, classmates or teachers: you are going to be fine. Don’t worry. You will find your ways.