Life is gruesome.

There isn’t any question mark. Something we always view as truth needs no such thing. Why we should ignore the fact and go on our life puzzles me a lot. We seems to have no choice but to endure all the difficulties and pray for a better day in every single moment. However, things mostly don’t go like we have expected. There are some ways to ruin all the plans, and mostly it couldn’t be blamed solely on us. It’s just how it is, nothing could be changed or have changed.

How I envy those who can live more than life. They are shining life sun, getting to know what they want at a young age and go for it with full strengths. They have instincts in the future and long for it and go for it while I am literally striking around and doing nothing to make the future shine a little. The light that lit by my dream are dimming every single day and I couldn’t get myself up to light it again.

Now, I am writing an article that so terrible that I would give a F if I could. I was TA back then and this one would definitely earn my special award. A half of a year after graduation, I am losing my literal skills. I am also losing the skills that have been sharpened in school days like translating Chinese into English and vice versa. Last week, I tried to work on the translation of one particular work I liked and I dropped my pen in the first review of my work. It’s so horrible that I tore that paper into half.

That’s what time does to his followers. You follow the path gradually and then you lose yourself completely. Counting every day and waiting for death gracefully taking you, people are nothing more than animals. We have brain to think but no brain to figure out a way to escape. It’s ironic that some people think we human races are better than the livestock we share on dinner table.

Some people insist on finding silver linings in every thing. What they have no idea is that we should have light, then it would be possible to shed a little through the clouds.

Light is the key but you just can’t find it.

How Gruesome life should be.


Get a life!

It’s too common to work late that normal people seldom doubt it.

I mean, we got paid from nine to five. We don’t need to do extra works after time is up, but mostly, we are forced to work late for our procrastination, which is always the excuse those managers try to dodge the responsibility.

Who set the rule that we need to devote ourselves completely to our job? Who says we should never question the overloading? Is it the price of being promoted? Would working late be the main reason of our promotion.

Sometimes, I just hate my boss for not getting a life. She clearly has nothing to do than working or she would work late into eight and we are all forced to do so.

I care about promotion, of course, but if this is the only element considered in it, then how is it fair to those people who couldn’t work late? It is just like judging those married parents for having kids. I might not have kids but I want a life out of my job. I have signed up for my Spanish class and keep studying in Japanese. It’s not my duty to work late.

For the record, you don’t pay me that much. I don’t think I am obliged to being the slave.

Those managers just don’t care about it. It would kill them to be a little considerate. When they want something, if you aren’t there to hand it to you, you are never going to get more money out of them. Hey, I know you open this company, but we have our own life.

Some people say it’s because we lack time management ability. Well, if you can be a little nice, you wouldn’t dumped all your jobs to others. What will you do anyway? Sitting around, making phone calls? Of course I know it’s important to do so, since we all need to get in touch with our clients, but it’s not the excuse you can BLAME our working efficiency.

That’s just complaining. I don’t know. When you start to work, your life is nothing but works.



Would it make me a monster not caring about other people’s feeling?

I am often considered to be passionate and caring. Some people actually ask me why I can keep being energetic the whole day. Well, it’s not a secret. If you faking long enough, people wouldn’t doubt it anymore.

When I am passionate, mostly, I feel nothing but callous. I don’t care about their feeling at all and sometimes, even my own feeling. That’s how i stay energetic. If you save some time worrying about others’ business, life would be full of nothing but your mind and knowledge you have sucked in in every single moment.

Well, some people hate about it, don’t they? Would kill them by trying to talk to their inner self. People hate it when it comes to feeling and thought. That would require verbal skills to describe and mostly we aren’t smart to say “sorrow like waves shower over my existence” (It doesn’t make sense at all.)

I am a monster in and out. I pretend to care about children, but in fact, I only care about the children who share the same ancestors with me, which is also the main reason I didn’t become a teacher. Being a teacher needs a lot of efforts. One of the most important is to completely devote to helping your students understand the content. Well, for me, it drives me crazy when people couldn’t get me. It would become worse if I teach English. It’s just too hard to stuck all those grammars in those morons’ mind.

Secondly, I pretend to be nice. Most of time, I don’t want to help people, but since I might need a hand in the near future, I hand out my helps and love like free candies in Halloween. I want people to think that I would help them no matter what. Then when I ask for helps, they would be the monster turning me down.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I care about my family more than my company. I don’t want to spend one more minute in the office after I finish my job. I don’t think I get paid enough to care about my boss. I am getting minimum wages. Showing a little lassitude after jobs is implied on my paycheck.

It does puzzle me that how anyone can see this side of me and still think I am a good kid. Maybe it’s because of my face. According to my mum, i have the most honest and trustworthy face in the world. I can trick anyone into bad deals by looking at them and quoting from some silly celebrity.

As a saleman, I hope her instinct is right on it.


I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, restoring the character ethic. I don’t know how I can tell my feeling after a few chapters.

By the way, one of the best books I have ever read, I highly recommend it.

Since I started to work like an adult, which means not relying on my parents as a buffer before everything, I always feel so stressful and frightened. For the first, I hate responsibility. I have talked about it like it’s one of my things but in fact I hate it a lot.

This word just makes me sick a lot of times.

In Western world, responsibility works differently from my world. Where I come from, my parents can rid off every interesting part in my life just because they think they have responsibility over my choices. When they get old, we need to take care of them like they had done to us.

It’s fine for me actually. I love them very much.

However, as a woman, if I marry, let’s be more optimistic, after I marry someone, I need to take good care of his parents too. If he has other families, I might be requested to do so to them too.

My mum thinks it’s up to women to keep a family together. She has told me a lot of things about marriage, and for the record, it’s not pretty at all. It could definitely make Gandhi feel despaired.

Everything is about responsibility. Kids are mine, not my husband. He doesn’t need to do shores because I would feel terrible and do them myself anyway. He doesn’t need to think about his family before he takes a oversea job and if I CONSIDER taking it, I am a horrible mother.

How fate hates me, making me a girl and have ambition that high. Actually, I don’t like kids that much. Maybe I would love my kids but they couldn’t make me quit my job. They aren’t that important.

By talking this, my mum might laugh and say I would change my mind after having my children. It sickens me a lot that I don’t want to start a family anymore.

However,reading this book brings another idea to me. I could be one of those revolutionary women. If American didn’t have Rosa Parks, the U.S. would have definitely had been full of racists. They still have it by the way. I could change the world by being as independent as I could be.

My mum is a great woman, but she doesn’t devote to feminism much. In fact, she is one of those who keep on insisting on tradition. I need to make a lot of efforts into pleasing her. First, I mustn’t talk about my ideals after marriage, since in her eyes, none of them would happen. It is like she is expecting me to live a terrible life. Secondly, I mustn’t talk about my ambition. Women shouldn’t have it. Living in other countries? How can you manage a good husband without staying around? Shouldn’t you be around with your kids? Don’t you think you should think about your kids before you take monthly trips? Sometimes, I just want to yell at her at the obvious fact.


For the third, and the most important one, it’s to obey her wishes. I don’t know how I could live under her eyes for twenty years with some many rules. Maybe for some people, there aren’t, but I am obviously a Feminist who loves to talk about my ideals of my dream partners, someone who can be an actual partner in my life, who loves to talk about my ambition, and who just don’t like kids enough to give up my life.

I want to be someone more than a fake housewife. I want to grow up, not physically, which has been done for a long time, mentally with everyone in my life. This book makes me want to do this. I want to be independent from a lot of things, making my own choices without people judging me.

Stepping forward is hard but this isn’t. It’s just trying to take responsibility of myself for once. I need to be independent from my reliance on my mother, my families and my friends. I need to stay strong and live the best I could.

Be independent.That’s my vision.

Strong comeback

The big boss came back to the office today.

He is the general manager, let’s call him Mike, who actually brings a lot of tension by just sitting in his chamber. I am a little afraid of him for two obvious reason. First, he is the one who can fire me. I really want to keep this job since I haven’t found the next one and I am still damn broke.

Secondly, his wife could have been my boss.

For the record, I thought those two companies weren’t “that” connected. I had no idea that they used to share a factory, an office, and the worse, the same lab for testing the materials, and I also didn’t know that he married our biggest shareholder’s daughter and am the brother in law with the manager of our department.

They are all fucking relatives, which means his wife has seen my resume and had recruited me but I refused it for some stupid reasons like I wanted to look around for a little.

How life hates me.

It’s really common in my hometown, relatives sharing one company. It’s just hard for us to trust our friends. We just like those who cannot marry us to cooperate with us in every single part of our life. I don’t know, maybe something in our blood that drives us to isolate ourselves from the crowds and gather with our families.

I am rambling again. Not on purpose.

Anyway, when he is in the office, I always feel guilty of leaving. I don’t know. It’s just hard for me to step out of that building and go home even though I am really hungry and have done everything I should do. He would give you an indifferent face, which is really mean.

No matter how funny his face looks, he could always make it serious and hard. I don’t know how. He has a face like a banana smiling. That shape is completely a banana.

When I listen to him talking, I always need to bite my lips to stop myself from laughing out and you know how funny he looks. However, what he says couldn’t possibly humor others.

Go back to the track. I like him in the office because when he is in the office, my colleagues couldn’t isolate me. For the matter of fact, they can’t laugh too loud or jump around at all. I just love that. They try to give me a hard time, letting me listen to their laugh and when I approach them, everything would stop. The weeks he hadn’t been around were hard to me.

However, when he is around, I don’t need to listen to their laughing because they can’t chat with one another anymore.

They need to focus on their job. Yeah!

I don’t know why they hate me but anyway, I love him around, like a lot. Some people have warned me of his seriousness, but his existence makes me feel less lonely.

With him around, I really feel safe and included.

It’s not love. I know he’s married. It’s close to something you think of a teacher. He never teaches me but he reminds me of one of my teacher Kelly, who cares about details and am extraordinarily strict to her students. She also makes me feel safe and included.

This fact frightens me and surprises me in the same time. I truly hope that he could like me like Kelly does to me. He is the only hope that I could make a lot of money and be promoted.

Fake kindness

My colleague framed me today.

Technically, not actually framing. She didn’t success. When I told my boss about her theory without mentioning her name, my boss was really angry at what I talked about and in fact, telling from her tone, I was that close to being fired.

In businesses, prices matter a lot, so when I asked about it, my colleague, let’s call her Maggie, told me it’s fine to give our clients an old offer, which was made two years ago. I felt wrong and told my boss. She was furious.

Why did Maggie do that? Was it going to make her look good? For sure. She doesn’t go to some elite colleges like I do and her working ethic is a little bit low. She actually dumps a lot of her jobs to me while she could chat with the others and isolate me.

She seems nice but sometimes I could feel her hostilities. Maybe she thinks I am paid far better than she was three years ago when she first came to this industry or I am not qualified for whatever I am doing. Anyway, it’s thankful that I mentioned this event to my boss. I didn’t make a huge mess out of something as simple as it is.


I hate talking about it. It makes me feel silly, considering others enemies and trying to survive in jungles. Time changes now. We didn’t need to slam a dragon to climb to the top. We can work with others to make that happen. However, sometimes it’s just hard to ignore that people hate you.


My colleagues hate me. They think I am douche bag without any respect to their position. I think they are absolutely right. I used to despise them for their lack of ambition. I used to feel that they aren’t worthy of my attention.

I was wrong and still am wrong.


I should have been treating them with nothing but respect. I own it.


Nun, I don’t care about it anymore.


At first, I wanted to make a few friends. I didn’t want to offend them so whenever I talked to them, I tried my best playing nice no matter how offensive they were to me. I tried to ignore their indifference and disrespect. I tried to let all the faults pass because they had made me look bad a lot of times. I just didn’t want to hold grudge. I wanted to have win-win situations like our teachers taught us, making everyone win and loving all the people.


Then, I got bullied by them. They isolated me, taught me wrong stuffs and ignored me on purpose.


What my teachers and books tell me couldn’t be used in this environment. I can’t speak and even when I do speak, they don’t count it worthy. I hate it so much that I feel strongly desire to leave.


Unfortunately, I kind of like what I am doing.


It’s true that when you love a job, you wouldn’t care about a thing, but it’s wrong that the universe would give you everything when you need it.

You need to see it first, then grab it hard.

I don’t want to be one of them, for playing fake nice and pretending to teach but give others wrong messages. I am Charlie Chen. That’s who I am and I don’t fake.

I am honest. I love them somehow for their honesty and discomfort which make them human. I love them for their casual laughing even though they never invite me in. I love them for their casual helps when I need them, and that’s it.

I hate other characteristics, and I don’t plan to hide it.

When children talk about adults, they always think they could fix everything. However, it’s not. We need to learn from our experiences. Years of practices push us to know this kind of stuffs, but honesty and truth couldn’t be learnt from time. In everyone’s childhood, honesty seems easy.


Things get harder and we lose it.


It’s harder to keep it than lose it, so when children think adults can fix everything, they are being honest while adults are faking.

I wish a better me.

Unknown despair

I failed my Japanese test, again, for the third time. I had failed the first one for I didn’t prepare well enough. I ran away from the second one in order to save money and I didn’t think there were any possibility of me passing it.

This time, I had read all the books and studied for half a year, and still I failed it hard. I didn’t even get half the required standard.

It strikes me exceptionally hard that I could hold the same confidence like before. I hate this feeling and I finally could get those people who didn’t perform well in the final exam. I used to think that I could easily pass everything if I worked hard enough.


Well, it”s not true, is it?


Now, even my English is getting worse. I hadn’t written anything for six months and look, this is an horrible article. Maybe this could be counted as the most horrible one in my life. How can I tell everyone that I used to be a teacher? By my serious look and unnecessarily good voice? Maybe some people who are reading it consider me the reason that Taiwan couldn’t have elites who are good at English.


Well, maybe you are right, again, aren’t you?


This kind of despair would devour people by and by, through and through, until nothing is left but your desire to survive, to breed, to leave something that could prove that you have exist.


Being adults is hard.


Experiencing your dream crush down, seeing your life falling apart, watching your friend aging, you can do nothing to stop those things to happen. Even when your dream in childhood does come true, you could be completely happy, since it’s your time to take responsibility.


There is no room for adults to be selfish.


How can human being stay alive for more than a thousand years while noticing life means nothing? We are no different than those animals. The only difference is that we can experience, feel and sense aging without a say in it. We have words to talk about how terrible this life has been treating us. Well, if monkeys in zoos could speak, there might be some silver linings in this fact, for they are living way worse than we are.


How terrible this system is? Giving us the ability to think but no power to reverse the faults we have made, the problems we have caused and the life we have wasted.


The beauty of life is the challenge lying in every corner.


Shut up.